I'm not Emmet!
by I-am-Roger-here-me-roar
Summary: Mark ends up in Emmets legally blonde body. Don't feel bad for saying you hate my story! I spent the whole day looking forward to it!
1. Welcome to Harvard

NOTE: Anything _Slanted_ is thoughts.

'How in the world did I get here?' Mark asked himself looking around where he had suddenly appeared. A group of people who seemed to be waiting for him to say something. Trying to avoid there eyes he looked towards the ground. Directly below his feet were a pile of cards. He picks them up and begins to read what the cards say out loud.

'Hello. I'm Emmett Forrest. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law. Uh, let's go around and share a bit about yourselves' He was thinking about how much he lied. He was about to correct himself when a member of the group began to sing.

'Aaron Sholtz. I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes, I write financial software codes But that's a challenge I've outgrown How many yachts can one man own? Some say that I'm a pompous creep, somehow I don't lose that much sleep, why bother with false modesty? Harvard's the perfect place for me.'

_So that's where I am_. Mark thought to himself. 'Pretty impressive, good to know. Welcome to Harvard. What's up? Yo!' the others answered to Aaron. Seconds later another member began to sing,

'Sundy Pagrowell Pommadon, but you may call me "your majesty." In my country my word was law, but then I flee because of stupid "coup d'etat" But here I learn I make new friends and soon return in bullet-proof Mercedes Benz.'

Mark had no clue what 'coup d'etat' and was about to to ask what it was when the group responded again. 'Pretty impressive, good to know. Welcome to Har--? 'ENID HUPES!' the final group member yelled. _well that was rude._

'I did the peace corps overseas, inoculating refugees in family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees. I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare endangered loons and led a protest march against insensitive cartoons.'

'Pretty impressive, good--' Mark and the Group sang until they were cut off.

'But now I'm on the legal track because this country's out of whack, and only women have the guts to go and take it back.  
We'll make the government come clean and get more people voting green and really stick it to the phallocentric war machine.' Enid Hupes continued.

Just then a blond girl camed and joined the group.

'I love your top! It is so fatigue chic! Anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor Callahan and Warner Huntington the Third?' Mark had no idea where Criminal Law 101 so he guessed and prayed he was right. He heels could probable break a toe.

'It's in Houser. Over there, second building on the left.' pointing out a building. 'Thanks' and she ran over there.

He could tell this was going to be a long and exciting semester at Harvard law.


	2. Joanne?

NOTE: words that are _slanted_ are still thoughts.  
NOTE#2: I should tell you I own none of this.  
NOTE#3: I came up with this WHOLE idea in my sleep so don't expect much.  
NOTE#4: My friend Cloudy came up with this idea... so ya  
NOTE#5: I would like to dedicate this chapter to Clairful the only person who sent me hate mail. Rentheads, I am disappointed in you.

_Can you believe my luck_? Mark thought _I hate the yuppie life and here I am living it! _As he walked into his first class he was giving a name tag that had his name on it. Well.. Emmetts name. He walked in and sat down between a girl with shoulder length dark brown hair, and a girl with short brown hair. Their name tags said 'Sandra' and 'Donyelle'. 'Hi' He said to Donyelle.'I'm Mark, Mark Cohen.' He stuck his hand out waiting for her to shake it. He saw her glance at his name tag. 'It says your name is Emmett.' She replied. 'Right.' He said 'Mark is my friend.' She gave him a weird look before turning to the teacher. 'Hello everyone. I am Mr. Slik and as you can see there are booths set up all around the class room. Behind the counter of each booth there is a popular lawyer. He or her will answer your questions. Go ahead now.' Each of the classmates stood up and began to walk to a booth. Mark started reading the last names on the signs. _Scotts, Smith, Jefferson, Boland. Wait_! 'Jefferson' he mumbled to himself. 'As in Joanne?' He walked over to the booth where he finally saw a familiar face. 'Joanne?' He asked the lawyer that sat before him. 'It's me, Mark Cohen.' Joanne laughed to herself. 'Yes, I'm Joanne. But your not Mark Cohen. I know him, little shrimpy blond.' 'Hey' Mark said back. 'Plus,' Joanne continued 'Your name tag says Emmett.' 'Forget the name tag!' He snapped at her. 'Ummm, let me think... Oh!' He took his jacket off and began to sing. 'Feel like going insane, got a fire in your brain and your thinking of drinking gasoline!' He waited for her to respond but she didn't, she just looked terrified. _She doesn't belive me! She thinks i'm crazy! I don't blame her I would too but how could she not remember!_He gave up hope and walked away. He glanced over his shoulder hoping that she would show a sign of remembrance, but she didn't. He sighed and walked away to the booth.


	3. MUSETTA'S WALTZ!

NOTE:Once Again anything _slanted_ is thoughts  
NOTE#2:To the person who claimed then selves as 'ELLE WOODS MUST DIE' I have three things to say.  
#1: If you don't like 'Legally Blond the Musical' (only guessing from your comment and pen-name) Why did you read my story?#2: Your hate mail only engorged me to write more (And finally)  
#3: I would like to dedacate this chapther too 'ELLE WOODS MUST DIE.' Thank you so much.

Mark sat on his bed, curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth. 'OK, this is all some sick CRAZY dream! I'm going to close my eyes and wake up!' He scrunched his eyes up for a few minutes. Just then, he heard a noise, a sign that he was home. _Is that? is that what i think it is? _He jumped up and yelled 'MUSETTA'S WALTZ!'

He realized that he was still in his Harvard dorm. He glanced towards his bed side table. There stood a frightened blond, who had just been touching his radio. 'And that was Roger Davis.' The radio said. He grabbed the radio and thought it at the wall._ It followed me here!!_ 'What!' He snapped at the girl next to him. He recognized her from the group circle but couldn't remember her name.

'Hi.' she said semi-frightened 'I'm Elle Woods. We met the first day here.' _Elle! That's her name. '_Sorry about that. I was...Um.' "Rocking back and forth saying all this was a crazy dream?' She said with a smile. 'Sorry for being noisy. It just looked like you were having a melt down. Bye!' She said walking out the door. _She didn't even let me explain. _He shook his head side to side slowly, When he noticed that she left her purse. He picked it up and read the brand name. _Angel. A T. Collins product._ He rolled his eyes_. Three down five to go._

He quickly ran down the hall to catch up to Elle. He saw her there talking to two people who seem like a couple. 'Elle!' He said. Just then she screamed. 'My ear!' he shouted grabbing his ear. Hewatched he talk to herself from where he was._ And she thought I was crazy._ He figured it would be safer to just leave the purse there. He set it down and headed back to his room. He was sure the ball thing would work this time.


	4. Scarf on your shoulder part 1

NOTE: Anything _slanted _is once again thoughts  
NOTE#2: I would like to dedicated this chapter to the person who claimed then self as 'RENThead'. Me and you think alike on the Legally Blond thing!  
NOTE#3: Marks 'Scarf on your shoulder' I'm even a little sorry about but W/E

_I can't believe I missed that party! Do you know how long it's been since I have been to a party_! He stopped walking and sat on the bench. Not to long after, a girl in a bunny costume sat beside him. 'Moreen?' He asked._ No. Damn. It's that Elle chick. '_Hi Elle' He said trying to be nice.

'Love' She sang 'I put my faith in love. I followed where in lead.' 'Wait. Love lead you here?'Mark asked confused. 'To my personal circle of Hell! It has not worked out well. I wish that I were dead.' She continued. _Ya. I've been there_'Cause instead of a wedding and, love. I'm flunking out of school a total laughing stock. Someone he and his friends could just mock. So go on, here's my head. Just hand over the rock!'

'Wait! Go Back!' Mark said 'You came out here to follow a man? Harvard law was just... Part of that plan? What sick romantic planet are you from.' _I wish Moreen would of done something like that for me_. 'Malibu.' She said_ Malibu! She lives in Malibu! _He pulled his scarf tighter around his neck. 'Instead of lying outside by the pool. You stalked some guy to a Ivy league school. That's the weirdest reason I...' 'Oh why'd you come?' She snapped.

'All right. I grew up in the Bohemian slums. With Roger, Mo, Collins and Benny. That last one showed me how a friend can bail. I got through school, by getting out fast. Had no job, from not going to class! So forgive me for not weeping at you tail.' 'Oh well excuse me just because you got some kind of chip on your shoulder' Elle said. Mark, only half listing, misheard her and thought she said scarf so he sang. 'You know your right,' he nudged his scarf 'There's a scarf on my shoulder. So I don't become colder, and with the scarf I've been givin' I'm gonna be warmer then hell. I'm so close I can taste it. So I'm not gonna waste it, ya there's a scarf on my shoulder.' He saw her shiver. 'You might want to get one as well.'

'I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative. Wait, you have no jobs and got in to law school. Seriously, how do you do it?' 'Well,' He continued 'I don't go to party's a lot not good use of the time that I got. Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape.' 'I don't spend hours' She said with a small blush. 'But I know it will all be worth wild when I win the best film's award, And buy Collins that restaurant in Santa Fe.'

'Oh that's so sweet' She said 'No! That's the scarf on my shoulder. I hugged my mom and told her, Since she's being a retard, I'm moving out! I don't have a day to take off, so there can't be a payoff. You need a scarf on your shoulder. Little miss Woods comma Elle.' 'I just need to prove to everyone that I am serious!' 'What you need is to get to work! Where are your law books?' 'Well, I know there here somewhere.'

She started handing him different magazines_. Did that say the Marquez?_He was about to check when Elle took it back and put it on here desk. 'Look!' He said. 'This vanities real picturet, but it started it's life as a desk. Clear it off and find some room for books instead.' Mark began to pick thing up and throw them behind him. 'Wh-What are you doing?!' Elle asked.

'Can you live without this.' He said picking up one of many purses. 'Can you live without that.' He said throwing away a stuffed animal. He picked up something that was bright pink. He held it in-front of him like a dirty diaper. 'It's for hair.' She said rolling he eyes. 'Were a scarf! Spend sometime improving what's around your neck!' He went back to going through the desk. 'Out, Out, put it in storage, sell it on Ebay, leave it behind! Out, out,.' He glanced at Elle. Her face was turning red.

'What are you angry? Good!_' I'm angry that you have such a better life then me. She lives in Malibu. _'So get angry! You may find, that scarf on your shoulder!' 'Grrr!' she groaned. 'The room just got colder.' Mark smiled. 'Hey!' Elle smiled back. 'And with the scarf you've been givin'.' Mark continued 'Why are you not warmer then hell. There's just no way around it. You got to plow through till you-' 'Found it!' Elle interrupted, holding a book in the air. He took it from her and ripped the plastic seal off. 'Been readin' it hard I can tell.'

* * *

Sorry It took me so long to post. I'm putting this in to 2 parts so here is part One! YA


	5. Nothing Good Ever Comes In Thirds

Note#1: _Slanted _things are... You guessed it! Thoughts! (marks thoughts. They always have been)  
Note#2: I would like to dedicate this chapter to all the fan who waited for the next chapter. Thank-You for waiting!!  
Note#3: TO JEFFAPHOBICS!! (Inside Joke)  
Note#4: Thank-You for your recommendation. I can't remember your name so I'll dedicated my next chapter to you. You probably know who you are.

* * *

'Bye, Warner! Have a great Thanksgiving! Say hi to your mom and dad for me! And Grandma Bootsie!' Elle yelled out the door.

'Who is this Warner guy?' Mark asked being his curios self.

'Warner Huntington the Third. ' Elle said dreamily. 'The greatest guy on the planet!'

'A Third?' Mark asked. Elle nodded. 'No one ever good is a third.' Mark said turning back to his computer_. Dude, It's Mario_!

'You don't even know him!' Elle said sounding semi-offended.

'Believe me!' Mark said going back to his actual work. 'You and him are all close then BAM! He turns around and backstabs you!' He dragged his finger along the computer screen and stopped at random. 'Define Malum Prohibitum.' He said sighing, trying to change the conversation.

'Malum Prohibitum is...Um' Elle begain. Mark rolled his eyes in a all knowing way.

'An act prohibited-' He began.

'An act prohibited by law like jaywalking or chewing gum in Singapore.' Elle said quickly.

'Therefore malum ensae?' Mark asked, picking his word the same way.

'Is an action. That is evil in itself. Assualt, murder.' She glanced at his feet. 'White shoes after labor day.'

'Good.' He mumbled. He watched Elle begin to walk out the door. 'Where are you going?'

'Home, Of course! it's Thanksgiving break! Remember?' She said happlily. _Of course I remembed! I just have no where to go._

'Interesting.' Mark replied.

'What?' Elle asked. _This is my chance to get her to stay!_'I predict you will probably pass.' He started hearing a faint 'yes' 'In the bottom percent of you class.'

'What?' She asked.

'If your going for mediocre, you've done great!' He gave her a thumbs up.

Elle crossed her arms. 'Thats not fair!' she said.

'Look.' Mark tried to reason with her. 'They laughed at me, like there laughing at you.' _Not Really True but If She believes It... _'We can't Win If We Don't Follow Through! Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?' Mark Crossed His fingers Hoping She Would Stay.

'Why do you always have to be right?' Elle Asked As She Sat On He Bed.


	6. Scarf on your shoulder part 2

Note#1: Math Lesson! Slanted Thoughts  
Note#2: This chapter is dedicated to broadwaybaby4205  
Note#3: The time is 8:21, For those of you wondering. It's probably not anymore. Oh Look It's 8:22 now!  
Note#4: Mean Things Are Said About Roger  
Note#5: If Anyone Has Any End Ideas For My Story, Please Help.

* * *

'Bye, Warner!' Mark heard Elle yell. 'Merry Christmas! Enjoy Bayo!'

'Ho! Ho! Ho!' said Mark bursting through Elles' door.

'Emmett!' Elle shrieked.

'Mark' Mark mumbled under his breath. He reached into his backpack and took out a box. 'For you! Not as good as going home for Christmas, but' Elle grabbed the gift from his hands and began to unwrap it.

'You are too sweet.' She said.

'It's a really time saver.' _At least that's what Joanne said when I got it for Maureen_. 'Shampoo and Conditioner.' He paused 'In one!' Mark smiled brightly, he love this gift and hoped she loved the next part of his gift. He guessed she liked this part because she screamed. _Just like Maureen. _She dropped the box on he floor.

'Thank-you, you are to adorableto think of me.' Elle said. Mark couldn't believe it. His favorite part of the gift was now lying on the floor. He just starred at the pale pink and white striped scarf that was on the floor.

'Elle, Hey' Someone said, rudely walking through the door during Marks 'Mark to Scarf' Thinking time.

'Warner' Elle said flipping out. Mark looked up and started to glare. Warner gave Mark a funy look then begain to talk again.

'Have you seen Vivienne? I've been looking for her everywhere!' _Vivienne? That weird chic? Dude,he has got to get better taste in girls! Nt that i'm one to talk, Maureen dumped me for Joanne.  
_  
'Yeah . . . I-I mean no.' Elle studdered. Mark rolled his eyes.

'Great, were going to miss our flight!' Warner whined. _Poor little Rich boy can't go to Bayo with his girlfriend. _Warner stomped out the door. Meanwhile, there was a puddle forming around Elle.

'Um, Elle? I don't know if you've noticed before, But each time Warner walks in the door, Your IQ goes down to 40' _Forty is about Rogers IQ._ Elle was still looking out in to space, Drooling. 'Maybe less.'

She looked at him. 'Huh?' _Finally! A sign of life!_Though it's hardly my business to say. Could it be the real thing in your way. Is the very guy you're trying to impress?' _Wow, Where did that come from? Sorta like when Roger tried to impress Mimi with the pancake eating contest..._ Elle looked like she was considering the situation when she said:

'Yes! I've been smiling and sweet and thoroughly beaten blowing my chance. Let's not chase him away, Let's face him and say, "Hey punk, let's dance!" This chip on my shoulder._ What chip? I don't see a chip! Is It BBQ? Collins Loved BBQ Chips (Sob) _Makes me smarter and bolder. No more whining or blaming I am reclaiming my pride. Grab that book and let's do this! Instead of doodling hearts all through this! Now there's a chip on my shoulder! Let's see him knock it aside!' _I'd Like to see him knock it aside too! Then maybe I could see it to!_

**The Next Day (I guess...)**

Mark snuck into Elles class the next day to see how she was doing in class.

'Mr. Ladimer was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation. Without his sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist!' Warner said to his teacher. Mark mocked him with his hand.

'Now you're thinking like a lawyer!' was the teachers responce. He paused then he pointed to a another student 'Yes, Miss Woods.' Mark held his breath.

'Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point, but did the defendant keep a log of every sperm emission made throughout his life?' Elle asked

'Interesting, Why do you ask?'

'Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter to find out if a child resulted from those unions, he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever. Why now? Why this sperm?' _Maybe It was special? _

'I see your point.' Elles teacher said.

'And by Mr. Huntington's standards, all masturbatory emissions where the sperm was clearly not seeking an egg would be called reckless abandonment.' Elle continued.

'Miss Woods' Her teacher began 'You've just won you case.' Elle stood up, mouth wide open and said

'Oh my god!'_ Do you hear the voices? There saying somthing about liking this place? _

Mark walked out the door expecting Elle to follow. He turned around to congaradulate her when he realized she was still in the classroom. Mark quickly ran back just as Elle was leaveing. But instead of following her, He desided it was his turn to sing.

'Guess she got a scarf on her shoulder, Maybe some random guy told her With the scarf we've been given We gotta be warmer then hell! She was something to see there, she wasn't frozen like a polar bear. First big test and she aced it!  
lunch is so close I can taste it! She got a scarf on her shoulder. Guess you never can te-e-ell . . .With little Miss Woods comma Elle'


	7. His Movie

NOTE#1: Ok, You All Ready Know, Thoughts Are _Slanted.  
_NOTE#2: I've Realized That I Have Forgotten To Tell People I Don't Own Legally Blond Or Any Of The RENT Cast.  
NOTE#3: I Still Need Help With the Ending People! Come On! Give A Gal A Break!  
NOTE#5: This Chapter Sucks!

* * *

'Elle,' Mark poked his head in her room 'I'm going to get the movie to celebrate your grade. Do you want to come?' Elle seemed to be in a different world though singing about her mind love and other junk Mark didn't care about. 'Ok, I'll go by myself. See you later.'

**AT THE MOVIE RENTAL PLACE**

Mark browsed through all the chick flicks (For Elle Of Course ;) ), skipped over the Horror movies and began to look at the comedy's. _Dude, Where's My Car, Big Mommas House, Meet The Parent. What Are All These?? _Fed up with the non-familiar titles, Mark went to his favorite part of all movie rental places, The documentaries. _Nothing Interesting Over Her- Hey!_Mark grabbed the movie just to the left of him. 'Today For You. This looks like something I might do.' He said to himself. He flipped it over and began to read. 'Blah, Blah, Blah, Homeless people, Blah, Blah, Blah, Protest. Hey, This Guy stole my idea!' he Continued reading to figure out who did such a thing. 'A Mark Cohen Film! Hey! This is ... is My Movie!' He quickly ran to the counter and rented the movie. He Couldn't wait to watch it.

* * *


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